Early Saturday sunset

To you who wished to know,

This has been one of the most tiring days I ever had. Our interact club attended a district convention in the Far Eastern University which is quite far away from our place. I won’t indulge so much on the happenings of the event itself because it’s quite hmmm– bittersweet? Yes, it’s partly humiliating and flattering at the same time. And because of that, I’ll just share some of my thoughts regarding the campus… or college life, perhaps?

Upon entering the vast grounds after a long, hot, and butt-swelling van ride, I was so comforted by the gentle breeze that swept over us. It was so cool (blame it on the trees) and I was astounded by the cleanliness. I then began to eye the campus and I saw so much–students in green skirts or pants or yellow shirts moving hastily as they swiped their ID’s, janitors sweeping the fallen dried leaves, cheerleaders and dancers strutting the same stuff, students loitering and taking their time, and of course, the campus’s centerpiece: statues in a long grassy quadrangle (they were really beautiful, so forgive me for the lame description!).

I was so amazed by the simplicity of the life presented, and I then stood musingly, visualizing myself one day carrying heavy books while rushing to the next building so as to avoid being late for my next class. I could see myself dripping with sweat as I managed to arrive split-seconds before my professor. I could imagine myself strolling in the university after that subject’s terrors and hardships. I could imagine myself buried in books so as to ensure that I would learn. I imagined laughing with a group of brainies, wackos, and other weirdos as I claim myself one of them. I could imagine a life that is totally unpredictable yet perfectly conceivable. I could imagine myself in college. I already want to be in college. And I couldn’t wait any longer.

But then, my vivid visions became obscured by the fear of what the merciless future might bring. I feared that no one would befriend, accept, or appreciate me. I feared that I would flunk. I feared the total diversity that could make me forget my values. I feared the complicated and intricate lessons. I feared the harsh reality. I feared the bigger world I am now a part of. I feared what my personality could make of me. I feared the problems that I would encounter. I feared forgetting what I’ve learned. I feared that I myself would be trapped inside the labyrinthine structure of my mind. I feared everything. I feared the college life I was once impatient for. I feared what I dreamt.

“A single positive dream is more important than a thousand negative realities.”

If so, then there is nothing to fear. Adeline Yen Mah’s words shot through me like an arrow, and it hit hard–hard enough to make me believe in my dreams once more, accept the cruelties this life has to offer, and continue living my life, carrying with me my books and engraving in my heart the true lessons my school really wished to impart and teach. I would carry on with my life–the life I would make it…

There is nothing to fear…

With hopes of future positivity,

????

 Warm night, cold heart

To you who wished to know,

I promise to bring you the absurdity you’ve never seen before…

Just a few days ago, I was surprised by the news that amazed not only myself but others as well.The weekend that passed after that brought great elation to me and to others. All, especially myself, was filled with so much delight that spilled over to this morning.

But not so long after that…

Gloom.

I believe that is the term that suits perfectly for this day.  My mind is still in shambles, and I still find it hard to commit all of these to paper.I don’t know where and how to begin releasing so that my heart won’t be filled with so much anguish anymore. And I also strongly believe that this letter will lead to nowhere… I just want to breathe it all out!

I just realized awhile ago that it’s not good to suppress all your feelings, pains and troubles. Yes, I have been aware of that for years already, but it is just now that I realized how awful that really is. Every problem, no matter how big or small, when added to another one already present beforehand, will really tear your body apart.It will make your body yearn for slumber that is very, very long, almost eternal.It will make you want to be free, to evaporate, or to disperse with the wind that is at liberty to move. It will make you want to quit and just submit to the One who shall give you strength. It makes you wanna…

Bipolar

Okay, change of scene. That was such a big relief. Didn’t know that a single nonsensical paragraph could help you release even a bit. Now let me talk about one thing–school.

Sometimes, you’ll excel at something and you’ll love it.At times, you’ll also excel at something but you won’t love it. Why? Because you are very much preoccupied with the the things you once believed were the things you really love. But fact is, your heart belongs to something else–your true calling and strength perhaps? But not most of the time. Sometimes you’re just totally engrossed into learning that you consider every speck as sacrosanct and divine that you regard a mere gash onto it a desecration to its grandeur and a scar to its raw beauty. For you therefore, it should never be touched by someone yet unproven of his worth. And once touched, it would wilt… and together, your interest would melt away with it. It’s just a sad ending for what was once perfect… and very very melancholic…

[page torn on this part]

actually, i don’t know what to say and how to begin. my life today is not filled with so much color so as to interest many. unlike other youngsters, i don’t find myself in situations considered rather uncanny. instead, my mind is filled with so much questions, so much theories, so much thoughts, so much confusion…

… and these, i decided, shall be bequeathed–in ways much different from the norm–unto you as well.

Welcome to my world!